Hi everyone I haven't posted in a while i've been soooo busy lately! I'm so sorry for not posting! Anyway, this is a very special post. Unfortunately for some reason blogger refuses to upload my blog videos so video blogging may be a while away BUT in better news, I'm thinking of uploading a "It gets better" video to you tube! First I'll post my "speech" in this post so you can read it and hopefully benefit from it before I record the video. The way I have it planned may be TOTALLY different than the video because on these subjects I speak my heart when I get into it, I don't go through a written thing. Anyway read on for my "speech" in quotation marks =)
"Ok,look I'm not going to sit here and tell you I know what it's like to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, or anything like that because I don't. I do know what it's like to be bullied and beat up and treated like crap just because I was different.
When I was still in school, even elementary school, I was always picked on for being over weight. I had my first suicidal thought in 4th grade followed by a nervous breakdown. The story behind it is simple.
At gym class all the kids picked on me because I wasn't good at baseball. I didn't like the sport period so obviously I wasnt good at it.
When we came back the guidance counselor told us it was ok to be mad or sad about something. She told us when we felt bad to put our feelings down on paper and throw it away. I figured there was no point in telling the teachers what happened to me every day, they didn't do anything anyway. I took the counselors advice. In history I finished my test early so I turned it in and grabbed a piece of paper. I started to write down everything I felt. When the teacher walked by (I was secretive of everything because I was afraid someone would make fun of me for whatever it was) I hid the paper. He thought I was cheating and took the paper. He read it to the class and everyone laughed at me even the teacher. I immediately cried and ran from the class room. I was taken to the counselors office and she made everyone come in and apologize. It didn't help, they didn't mean it. They continued to bully me. Even on the play ground I wasn't safe! After the classroom ordeal I didn't hardly speak to anyone for years, even my own parents. I kept to myself, became depressed, the whole nine yards. I felt like I couldn't express myself anymore. I was afraid to.
My school years, with the bullies and things, I blame for my social anxiety. I'm never comfortable around anyone. There's a guy that I absolutely love to death and I can't even be comfortable around him! I don't eatin public because I'm afraid of someone "picking on me" even at 18.
It didn't help that my mom ended up abandoning me because she was ashamed of me. She loved my step sister more than me because she was the social butterfly and a cheerleader and she was skinny. It was depressing to be second. It was also depressing to be compared to someone you've only known for a few days. As soon as my step dad and my mom got married, I was instantly supposed to change. I was forced to be like a live in maid for my step sister and drunken step dad. One day I even woke up in the middle of the night and he was walking naked through the house. When I told my mom she grounded me and told me never to tell if it was true, but I was a liar in her eyes.
What made it worse was I was literally barred in my room with no windows or anything. In the winter it would get so cold, The heater would go out and I had no heat. Some nights I thought Id freeze to death, all my sources of heat were taken away. I wished for death a lot in those days, it never came. I tell myself it's because I have a higher purpose, like all of you.
You have to understand, I was even homeless at one point. When I would get home from school I would have a backpack and I would put my homework in it, and some changes of clothes and go wherever someone would take me in. I didn't have to be homeless, but finding a warm place to sleep at night without the fear of being locked up like a caged animal was better than where I was at. Remembering when I lived there, I cry almost every time. Not because of the abuse or neglect or anything, but because I felt like not even my own mother loved me. I still feel that way. I never call her anymore, every time I do she talks about how im not good enough or something.
People wonder why I support gay marriage. It's because everyone is different, everyone has the right to express themselves and be comfortable. Denying any person the right to be happy is denying them life, love, and peace. How does it get better? Simple. For me, I graduated at the top of my class because even though those bullies picked on me, I came out better than they ever did. Those bullies RIGHT NOW are mostly drug addicts, baby mommas and daddies living in poverty, while the people who were my true friends are going to college. Me and my friends were picked on in school. It took me a while to find people who understand what I've been through, but I found them.
Bottom line, it gets better. It gets much better. I promise it does. If you ever need someone to talk to you can email me at KalaxLee@yahoo.com I'd be happy to talk to you. I dont care who you are, your skin color, you orientation, I just care about you because you are a PERSON not a animal, or some sort of freak. You deserve to be happy no matter what. You CAN be happy,but you have to be here for that to happen. If you aren't here the problem is just left for everyone else who is. Taking yourself out of it doesn't solve anything. It gets better, but only with your help and the help of others. It won't get better overnight but someday, it will be so much better than you could ever imagine."